there was an old snapey who swallowed a fly
by BlackLight24
Summary: Don't read this if you like snape, hermione, harry, hedwig, the grim, trelawny,fly, or really any charater in the harry potter books. watch out aliens of the world, here i come, sophie's clappingggggg!i will now tell the world that sophie also wrote this
1. Chapter 1

There was an old snapey who swallowed a fly

By Sophie and Rebecca

We do not in any way shape or form own any of the shapes Snapes or forms…so basically we don't own this fic ( though we wish we did own it seeing that the song _there was an old lady who swallowed a fly _is the best song in the world next to all the Rent

songs.)

Ch. #1- I swallowed a…a….a…

It all started when Snape had diarrhea.

It was a normal day just like today when Snape was taking a headache potion. He was about to swallow when he felt something inside his potion that wasn't potion. Was it unicorn hair or dragon scale or was it a…no it couldn't be… "A fly" Snape said, but it was too late the liquid slithered down his throat. The fly scrambled at a last attempt for life but with a huge **_gulp _**Snape swallowed. That was when it all went wrong. Terribly wrong. Stupendously wrong. Snapeishly wrong. And then the diarrhea came. The wet drizzling, horrible diarrhea. Snape didn't know what to do. He had never heard of someone getting sick from eating a fly, but then he had never heard of someone eating a fly except for a little old lady he once knew who also swallowed a horse and died, of course. Snape could think of only one person to ask… Dumbledore…dundundun (dramatic drum role). And to top it all off his headache potion didn't work and he was babbling.

The walk to Dumbledore's office seamed to last for 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 x10 to the power of 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 x10 to the power of 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 x10 to the power of 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 x10 to the power of 9,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999…

Do you ever feel like your reading something over and over again? Do you ever feel like your reading something over and over again? Do you ever feel like your reading something over and over again? Do you ever feel like your reading something over and over again? Do you ever feel like your reading something over and over again? So moving on…finally… Snape got to Dumbledore office after about…hey Rebecca, can you get a calculator…minuets. Well really it was only about a two minute walk from Snape's office to Dumbledore's office. But its way to fun exaggerating things that really don't matter.

"Professor I think I swallowed a…. a….a…"

"Well what did you swallow?" Said Dumbledore, oiling the tip of his overly pointed nose.

"A….a…..a…. fly" Snape said almost in tears.

"Well have you tried shoving ding bat shit down your throat?" asked Dumbledore, stopping his shining for a moment to get out the shoe polish.

Snape stared for a moment as Dumbledore put some of the polish on a cloth and started rubbing his nose with it.

"Um, no."

"Oh so you must have been trying the bugger method" At Snape's startled expression Dumbledore said, "you know, eating your own buggers, it's what I always do when I eat fly's… Did you try sautéing them in soy sauce, tastes very good. Or…no you wouldn't want to do it" he said, and then looking at Snape's nose said, "No they look to watery for it. Besides it's slightly odd and…Well, back to the point."

"I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the fly." Snape said, "Cuz I feel sick."

"Well…it's okay if you don't want to…but…no you won't want to…."

"What old man! Tell me!" cried Snape like a damsel in distress, or more to the point, a death eater in distress.

"It's really gross"

"But I'm babbling and my student might start thinking that I'm not anti social"

"Well you could always eat…

TO BE CONTINUED

_There was an old snapey that swallowed a fly_

_I don't know why he swallowed a fly_

_Perhaps he'll die! (Hopefully) _


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2-Buble Gum Babblings

"A pixie!" cried Snape in shock, "Why a pixie?"

"Because pixies have an intense dislike and an intense hunger for flies: the pixie will eat the fly. After a week or two of mild discomfort, your stomach **_will_** digest the pixie leaving you in perfect health. Pixie soup is very good it's a delicacy in Japan you know. Muggles call it miso soup.

"But I don't want to eat something muggleish! Please there has to be another way" Snape cried in despair.

"Well you would have to eat the pixie alive…I was just telling you about the soup because I think your going to need some comfort food after you eat the pixie." Dumbledore said now shining his ears with canola oil

"Where am I going to find a pixie?" Snape asked and then started babbling about bubble gum. "Please professor I'm babbling about **bubble****bubble** gum."

"Well you would have to ask Professor Hagrid about it."

"Professor **_Hagrid_**? But I hate Hagrid! He's a big ass son of a whoring elephant! He's a half-breed fucker muddy blood who isn't fit to kiss the dark lords…I mean your a…boots!"

"I know, I know, but you could always get one of your students to get one for you, I know you favor that one boy, Malfoy isn't it. The pitiful boy, blond haired runt with the piggy eyes, looks like an albino squirrel. I bet he'll get a pixie for you." Said Dumbledore looking at the tip of his nose to see if he missed a spot then took out some nail polish and examined his hands before starting to manicure his hands.

Snape starred at Dumbledore. "Well, I guess he probably would, now that you say it. It will spare me the shame and humiliation of asking him myself."

"Well you should be going now." Dumbledore said, concluding the conversation, "You have a pixie to eat, and I have some last minuet waxing to do."

"Malfoy, please come here," Snape called a grueling half-day later after the Slytherin /Gryffindor potions class. "No Potter, not you," He said as Mr. H. Potter spilled his armadillo bile and started to slowly clean it up in an obvious attempt to listen to the conversation. Malfoy sneered as elegantly as he could at Potter, which was pretty good for him being something along the lines of an albino squirrel/ferret mix.

"Malfoy, I have an errand for you," said Snape once the idiot Potter boy was a ways away.

"An errand?" said Malfoy trying his sneer on Snape, "Since when have I been your errand boy?"

Snape looked genuinely confused. "What do you mean; you've always been my errand boy! Remember that one time you…Oh, yeah, you were under the Imperius cu…"

"I hope you have noticed that my name's Malfoy, not Crabbe or Goyle, though you're welcome to use them for dirty work whenever"-

-"Yes I did notice, but you are going to do this one. You are going to go to Hagrid, tell him you swallowed a fly and ask for him to give you a stunned pixie."

"But I don't want to!"

"I hope you've noticed that I really don't give a damn about what you want. If you don't do this, I will take 50 points off Slytherin and make your face break out in the worst pimples anyone has ever seen!"

Malfoy paled quite visibly at the later, and quickly agreed.

Malfoy came to Snape's office the next day. He was empty-handed. Snape gave him such a venomous glare when he saw this that Malfoy wished he hadn't come. But he remembered the pimples, stood at attention in front Snape's desk, and told his story.

"I went to Hagrid's house or shack or smelly little room, whatever you want to call it, and did just what you said, but then, instead of giving me a pixie, he made me drink a potion. I couldn't really refuse, so I did it, and if I had asked for a pixie it would have looked suspicious."

"I don't care! You are going back there, saying Goyle did the same thing, and getting some of that potion to give me!" Snape cried, but then the power of the fly overcame him and he started babbling- "Electricity does have so many advantages over magic, I'm surprised wizards haven't switched over to it. I mean, less people get hurt with flying sparks, it creates jobs for people and- WHAT AM I SAYING!" Snape was in shock that was the worst thing he had ever said, he was surprised Malfoy hadn't killed him or seriously hurt him for it, he could have justified it.

Malfoy was, however in a state of deep shock. "Sir Snape, are you alright?" He said.

"JUST GET ME THAT DRINK"

Two days later Malfoy stood in front of Snape's desk once more. He held a pixie, limp as a dead fish in his hand. "Sorry sir. Hagrid had run out of the potion. He gave me this."

Snape felt like screaming. He had had his hopes up that he wouldn't have to swallow the thing, but now he was back to it. "Just get out of MY OFFICE," he said, trying in vain to control his temper.

Malfoy got the hell out of Snape's office.

Snape stared at the stupefied pixie on his desk. He put it in his hand, swallowed it, and puked it up with that day's breakfast and lunch. Now, with no more guts to spit, he swallowed it again and much more successfully.

It was during the night when the pixie woke up. Snape had gone to bed after a good dinner and a good bout of getting Mr. H. Potter and his friends zeros on their perfectly good homework. But at roughly 1:30, he had been awakened by a strange sensation.

'The pixie must have woken up and eaten the fly' Snape thought as he noticed the absence of the usual headache. But it wasn't that that had woken him up, it was a strange feeling in his stomach. The pixie must have gotten bored, because it felt like the thing was _tickling_ the inside of his stomach. Snape giggled, then chuckled, then plane out laughed, harder and harder the laughter came until he was roaring with it.

Oh, no this wasn't good; Snape's students might think he had a sense of humor!

_There was an old Snapey, who swallowed a pixie,_

_Must have been very trixie,_

_He swallowed a pixie,_

_He swallowed the pixie to eat the fly, _

_I don't know why she swallowed the fly,_

_The fly died._


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3-the worst way to die

Snape was dying.

The pain was excruciating. It coursed through his veins like liquid fire.

The horrible feeling in Snape's stomach.

The laughter.

He had had so much to look forward to in life, so many more summers to enjoy. So many more H. Potter exams to flunk. But it was all gone now. All droned out by the hideous non-stop _laughter._ He had told Dumbledore he was too sick-couldn't teach. But he wasn't sure how much longer he could survive it

Finally, Snape decided he had no other choice. His feet protested every movement. He silenced his laughter with a spell. He stuttered the password and began to ascend the staircase to Dumbledore's office. He could hear McGonagall talking to Dumbledore in it.

The silencing spell wasn't holding out. It was weakening. He could feel the soon to be laughter come out noisily. The spell fell. The laughter came soft at first, like a trickle of water from a dam. Louder and louder.

McGonagall finished talking to Dumbledore. She walked out of the room to come face to face with Snape.

"Snape, are you all right?" she said, looking as if she were about to have a heart attack, "You're…laughing. I think someone's impersonating Snape!" She yelled to Dumbledore before falling down in a dead faint.

Snape walked into Dumbledore's office, finally. He (shaking with laughter) and Dumbledore had carried McGonagall to the hospital wing to recover from her unexpected heart attack at the sight of Snape laughing. Eventually (Snape had to walk slowly, the walking was very painful) they had made their way back to the office, where Snape was now sitting facing Dumbledore across his desk, writing what he had to say, since he was incapable of speaking for himself.

"I am laughing." Said the paper, the handwriting shaking horribly.

"Yes, I know," Dumbledore responded, before getting pliers out to pluck his raised eyebrows, "I think the change is good for you. Look your skin's already got some color to it and you've only been laughing for two days."

Snape's eyes widened. Whether from surprise or a new bout of laughter, he would never know, but the wildly shaking hand scribbled almost unintelligibly, "Only two days? How long is this going to last?"

"Two weeks, though if you want the laughter to stop we could always do surgery."

'No' Snape thought, 'never surgery. They might find the unicorn head I tattooed onto my blather in my first year.' But he just wrote 'No, I'll try and deal with it, though he didn't think he could. 'What a horrible way to die.' He thought as he doubled over and went sprawling on the floor, clutching his stomach in the unbearable sensation of laughter. Wetness filled his graying underwear. 'Oh, no, now they won't be grey' he thought.

Dumbledore merely looked at him severely, at the wet spot forming in Snape's…wrong place. "Please leave my office," he said. "I just got the carpets cleaned."

Later that day, Snape went up to the owlery to write to his mom. This was getting to be too much, he couldn't stand it anymore. He needed a shoulder to cry on and his dearest mama was the only one. He got there, finally, but found that none of the school owls would come to him, this probably being that he had tested his potions on most of them; some of witch had been messed up, causing some unusual effects to the owls. Many of them were quite amusing, actually. (A.k.a. turning feathers into scales and having the poor bird sing "G-d save the queen".)

There was one other person in the owlery. He was tying a letter on to a snow white owl, but little did he know…

A new fit of laughter came over Snape. He couldn't stand it anymore so quite logically, he fell down. From the ground, he saw the boy with the owl. That boy, he hated that boy, this was payback.

"Harrybutt Pottieus," Snape growled through the laughter, "Let this be a lesson to you. This is what the Snivellus Snake can do to your owl." And saying this, grabbed the owl by its scaly foot, and shoved it into his mouth, magically expanding his throat to let it go down. The laughter stopped, but suddenly there was a peck in his stomach. Snape fell down as if he had been punched.

"Oh, no, internal bleeding," he muttered. But then, the boy, overcoming his shock walked up to him and punched him in the face.   
"Oh, no, internal and external bleeding," Snape said as his nose started to bleed.

_There was an old Snapey who swallowed an owl,_

_What a how,_

_He swallowed an owl,_

_He swallowed the owl to catch the pixie, _

_He swallowed the pixie to catch the fly,_

_I don't know why he swallowed a fly,_

_I hope he dies._


End file.
